Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Dance of Darkness' LiveJournal:

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Wednesday, March 24th, 2004
11:22 am	dating Maybe I need to get pickier when it comes to dating. It's depressing to keep meeting these people with whom I really have nothing in common. But what criteria to discriminate by? ( Read more... ) Current Mood: thoughtful (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 29th, 2003
9:19 pm	blahhhhhh well, it's been a while since I've written anything here. but I'm feeling monumentally out of sorts at the moment. conflicted, divided... with not much to do but wait. no, that's not true - there's lots of stuff for me to do. but I keep getting the feeling of "what's the point, if I don't know if I'm going to be here in two months?" *after hot tub break* ok, better now. still sick of the waiting game. like I've ever been good at patience. Current Mood: melancholy (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, June 16th, 2003
8:48 am	( stream of consciousness? ) Current Music: (none) (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 8th, 2003
9:58 pm	I love being a mage! Current Mood: pleased (Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 6th, 2003
10:00 am	only two letters between revelation and revolution item 1: I will very likely change my given name, probably to Anariel, within the next year or two. 'Heather' just ain't cuttin' it anymore, but I'm not sure that I've grown fully into Anariel yet. (related question to consider: When is it better to take a name that you will grow into, and when is it better to wait to take it until you have grown into it?) item 2: I've spent a lot of time in denial/anger about the current state of the world, particularly with regards to how information is propagated. Ideas are spread through entertainment and propaganda, from biased sources without consistent frameworks for their ideas. instead of bitching about this, it really would make more sense to start spreading my own ideas in the same manner. and because they do come from an internally consistent paradigm, they will be stronger than the mass of drek that is out there. and where is the cultural center of our modern world? Los fuckin' Angeles. all of our cultural memes come from here. movies, music, what's cool, what's hot - even things from elsewhere almost always have to go through LA to get into the common mind. yet another reason to be right here, right now. (I don't know exactly what this means for me in terms of my actual artistic efforts; but it puts everything one stop closer to in focus.) item 3: to know (air); to will (fire); to dare (water); to keep silent (earth) item 4: "this Silence... is but the gestation of thy Lion" (from Liber Aleph). All this waiting I keep getting sick of - will just make my eventual attack stronger. And I will attack one day... oh yes. Current Mood: gnostic Current Music: (none) (Comment on this)
7:46 am	the sun also rises *looks around* yup, everything's about where I thought it was. nice to have the affirmation.... but at the same time, a bit of a letdown. not that I really want a huge transformation at this point, as I like the way my life is going. I've got enough on my plate at the moment. things are good. I finally got this thing done that I've been needing for the better part of a year. so why do I feel like I want more? Current Mood: restless Current Music: (none) (Comment on this)
Sunday, April 27th, 2003
12:31 pm	the beginning of something.... You're sister to the wind, daughter to the sun Searching for something unnamed and unwon Looking for your family, wandering for your home You'll know when you've found it, 'til then you will roam The wind has no home, just the wide blue sky A vast playground of air, forever to fly And the sun is but a star, ever turning, never still One among trillions but with its own unique Will Current Mood: creative (Comment on this)
Monday, April 21st, 2003
12:37 am	silence the silence before a storm? the silence of waiting? the silence of secrets? or simply the silence of nothing to say? Current Mood: pensive (Comment on this)
Monday, March 31st, 2003
6:31 pm	self-analysis, what fun right. so I had a really rough day today. stress, anxiety, all piling up and hitting me at once. the breathing problem that I thought had gone away when I left the east coast was back with a vengeance and this time it didn't leave when I took a moment to stop and calm down. one of those vicious circles - it starts because I'm anxious, and makes me more anxious, but I can't make it go away unless I'm really and truly relaxed (not just *trying* to relax). (and yes, in case anyone's worried, I did go see a doctor about this way back when it started last year. they told me I was hyperventilating, gave me some athsma medicine which did nothing, and sent me home.) where was I going with this. oh, right. so I'm sick and tired of always being stressed out by piles of things to do - but I've also made the uncomfortable realization that I work myself up about things like this, because for most of my life (pre-Adderall) it was the only way I could focus on anything for long enough to do it. while I'm better about it than I used to be, I'm also dealing with a lot more crap than I used to be. and apparently I have not yet broken all of the old habit patterns. I started trying to break this one today. when I felt myself knotting up, I tried to step back and look at it as a challenge, a race, a game. the problem there is that instead of a reward when I get stuff done, I'm facing punishment if I don't. and while you can work it around semantically, your gut knows the difference. but it did help a little bit. oh yes, the other thing I realized. in addition to the ADD - I grew up watching my dad get things done by the same method (getting all worked up about it until he went on a cleaning frenzy or got my mom to do whatever it was he was fretting about). and for five years I was with someone who wouldn't do anything unless/until I blew up about it. so it's no wonder this is a well-ingrained habit pattern. I just need to remind myself that I don't need to be stressed about something to do it. it's not a functional behavior pattern anymore - get rid of it! make it a challenge: how many of those to-do items can I check off today? clearing space in my brain, freeing neurons for more useful tasks, like squaring the circle.... Current Mood: thoughtful (Comment on this)
Friday, March 28th, 2003
4:38 pm	*sigh* and so the envy begins. (note: not the jealousy, the envy. there is a significant difference.) five days.... Current Mood: melancholy Current Music: Melissa Etheridge - Down to One (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, March 22nd, 2003
7:18 pm	and then I blinked, and the world was entirely different. again. never say never. never say always. this is your life - live it for all its worth. Current Mood: indescribable (Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 19th, 2003
8:37 am	memorization: status Priestess' part from Gnostic Mass: check Resh, including stele adoration: check Creed from Gnostic Mass: in progress Current Mood: cheerful (Comment on this)
Sunday, March 16th, 2003
5:48 pm	the question has been echoing in my head for the last six months: what now? I think I have the answer now. happysad. but there is direction. there is a plan, and a shared vision. (and in the meantime I begin to suspect my HGA is meddling in things again. things should not be able to work out so unexpectedly and yet so perfectly. but such has always been the way of my life. wander down seemingly random paths, obsess, fret, worry, then abruptly ZOOM! I'm racing headlong down a completely different path, realizing that all the random turns simply prepared me for this final jump. kind of like my decision process: dither, obsess, dither, wonder, pace in circles, JUMPING OFF THE CLIFF OUT OF MY WAY NOWNOWNOWNOW. justification in hindsight? or simply part of the Great Work? I'm not even sure it matters. this feels right, in a deeper and more certain way than my most recent romantic debacle did. It doesn't feel like a dream coming true - it just feels like a part of my Will, lining up and falling into place in the same way that it felt right to quit my job and be an artist. I didn't think that was going to be a walk in the park, and it hasn't been - but it was Right. And this feels the same way. Current Mood: indescribable (Comment on this)
Saturday, March 8th, 2003
12:06 am	now that I've had some time to process.... Still reeling in some ways from last week. I was complaining before about how I wanted to find my tribe - I'd forgotten I already had one in the OTO. I felt some of that at my Io; last week I *lived* it. It was Thelema grown from a religion into a culture. Greeting someone with "93" or "Agape!" doesn't seem pretentious anymore; stand around muttering to yourself for a minute at noon and nobody looks at you funny. Not that I live in the closet up here - but I still find myself censoring explicit references to Thelema because I don't feel like having to explain it again. Not to mention how difficult it is to explain it in a way that doesn't have people recoiling in horror. HB (no, not Hymenaeus Beta!) is the only non-initiate I've yet met who immediately *got* it. No wonder Seattle now feels so much emptier than it did before. There are Thelemites here - but I have not gotten that sense of community from them, and only a vague sense of connection. Some of the difference is due to not going in knowing anyone - but I'm pretty sure that's not all of it. Maybe there's a critical mass point for Thelemites - where it stops being a collection of individualists and turns into a community of individuals. (Did that phraseology make any sense? I know what I meant, but I don't think that said it. Oh well.) But I'm torn between trying to find/make that kind of community here and moving somewhere where it already exists. (Not that moving is terribly practical for me at the moment - but I like to have some kind of plan to keep in mind.) One thing's for sure - I love my religion :) Current Mood: thoughtful Current Music: Mira - "Cayman" (Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 4th, 2003
10:19 am	!?@#*!^? once again something within me has apparently decided that I'm going to go a certain direction, no matter if my conscious mind even realizes it, let alone approves. it has that feeling of rightness about it - but then, so did being with Christine. I'd like to think this feels more solid, makes more sense on all levels, not just emotional like that was - but damn it, I'm scared. even here in my private journal I'm finding it very difficult to actually type the words "I'm falling in love with Andrei." I'm not entirely sure why I'm scared. Possibilities include having been burned badly the last few times it's happened; the prospect of an LDR; the double take I still do when i look at him, because he doesn't look like he feels or speaks or is; or that I do feel that there's something not right about this, but don't know what. I really don't think it's the last one - but I have to hold myself open to that possibility, given how horribly wrong i was proven to be last time. but then there are the good things. the OTO. a fire spirit - passion to match my own, as only Christine has before (and she was far more unstable). a respect for my art, and an art of his own. point for point he has matched with me on my life dreams. he is already stable and happy - he has been through the wringer as I have (if not more so!) and come out stronger for it. we both know who we are and what we want. I just realized that we haven't had the awkward-silence problem once since I've been here - at least not since the drive home from the airpor. plenty of silences - but never one that felt like it needed to be filled. I also see my own peculiar mix of ADD in him - Tara would irk me with her hyperactivity and flakiness, Tom with his inattentiveness and flakiness - Andrei just seems like me - it doesn't annoy me, just means I understand him (or feel like I do, anyway) ok, johnny's up - going to finish this before I start feeling even more self-conscious about putting this into writing. Current Mood: nervous (Comment on this)
Monday, February 24th, 2003
10:01 pm	notes from today's chiro class if old bad things (e.g. anxiety) are coming back, it's because I now have the resources to deal with them. frustration is the building of energy that will be used to break through to the next stage. timing is to healing as location is to real estate. the right things will happen at the right time - don't rush it. the recognition of "it" as pain causes you to pull away - the recognition of "it" as tension causes you to work with it to stretch it out. level II is where you scrape away all the stuff that's not you (e.g., anxiety again!). there will be dramatic changes in your life (good!) associated realizations: anxiety happens when I'm not centered. with enough of this I might not need the ADD drugs anymore. what are you worrying about? why? Current Mood: thoughtful (Comment on this)
Thursday, February 20th, 2003
8:16 pm	god DAMN it. forgotten again. the question is not "why do people keep doing this to me" but "how do I keep getting into situations where I allow people to do this to me?" I could give up on her, go out somewhere (where?); but whenever I think of what I want, the only things that come to mind are the things dependent on other people. I don't want to be dependent on other people for my happiness. but I am starving for social contact, for physical contact. there's one person on IM I could go talk to, but the very fact that he's the only one makes me not want to. this. sucks. Current Mood: miserable (Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 18th, 2003
9:38 pm	ok, nevermind silly flakey people. (Comment on this)
9:20 pm	*growl* ok, so I'm more than usually paranoid about being stood up at the moment. however, apparently it is not without cause. this is fucking ridiculous. Current Mood: pissed off (Comment on this)
Sunday, February 16th, 2003
8:47 pm	ever get that feeling.... like the universe, or the hand of fate, or your HGA, or *something* is trying to whack you with a clue-by-four? I swear, every twist of fate in the last few months, every encouraging thing, every setback, every fluke of circumstance has seemed carefully designed to not-so-gently nudge me in the direction I *know* I need, and want! to go, but keep stalling on anyway. The annoying part is that you'd think now that I've figured this out I would save myself further grief and just do it already. But nooooo. I am taking steps forward, certainly, but the Inner Two-Year-Old is still standing stubbornly, back turned and arms folded, yelling "Can't make me!" *sigh* Current Mood: cynical (1 Comment |Comment on this)